A Dunkin’ Donuts Story

Let me start by saying that there definitely needs to be an amendment to the Constitution stating every American’s right to be free from the dealings of idiots, particularly at 8:00 a.m. in the morning. Hopefully, after I tell you this little anecdote you’ll be able to appreciate why I feel this way. If not, its either because you’ve been lucky enough to lead an idiot-free life, or you yourself happen to be an idiot.

So, I walk into Dunkin’ Donuts this morning to pick up my usual, a medium coffee with milk and a sesame bagel – no butter, no cream cheese. I expect this breakfast-stop to be quick and hassle free, as it generally is. I say generally, because every now and then the guy behind the counter has some difficulty understanding the concept of no, and decides to give me his best impersonation of Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters by masterfully sculpting a pound of cream cheese into Devil’s Tower on my bagel.

Anyway, I place my order, and in walks this lady (henceforth referred to as “Idiot”), who apparently believes Dunkin’ Donuts decided to open a store on 50th Street and Broadway solely for her convenience. Before I realize what is happening, Idiot rushes straight for the counter and, using moves that would have made Charles Barkely envious, wedges herself in between me and another woman, who, like myself, had been waiting patiently for her order. Now, Idiot must have thought that the Dunkin’ Donutters behind the counter were hard of hearing. Because, even though her pushiness had enabled her to get so close to them that she could have licked the sweat off their brows, she still felt compelled to shout her order, which of course was for a dozen doughnuts.

At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, “This woman doesn’t sound so terrible.” But wait, it gets better. With nearly half her box of donuts already filled, Idiot decides that a random assortment of donuts isn’t good enough for her. She needs greatness. So naturally, she asks the Dunkin’ Donutters to pick out a “really great combination” (and to think, I have gone through my entire life oblivious to the fact that one can actually achieve a level of greatness with respect to picking out donuts). I’m not quite sure which part of that simple, albeit superfluous, request the Dunkin’ Donutters could have misunderstood, but Idiot was clearly concerned. So, in a tone that now made her request sound more like a command, Idiot barked “Make sure its a great combination!” She repeated herself several times; each time adding different suggestions for the mix of donuts that would meet the greatness standard. Finally, to top it all off, Idiot had the audacity to ask, “Is this going to take a long time?”

At this point, I’m just slightly irritated. Naturally, I begin imagining myself saying all kinds of highly inappropriate things like, “Hey lady, how would you like it if I picked out a great combination of donuts and shoved them up your….”  While the Dunkin’ Donutters would likely have bestowed “Customer of the Month” status upon me for speaking up, I decided it would probably be smarter to keep my mouth shut.

What made this situation truly a fiasco was that through all of her ranting, Idiot had completely flustered the entire Dunkin’ Donuts team. So, not only was my order taking much longer to fill than it should have, but I was virtually assured of ending up with a decaf coffee and a pumpernickel bagel coated with butter.

Now, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that every time someone puts a crimp in my morning ritual I’m going to feel compelled to write about it. The point I’m trying to make is that people are faced with enough real challenges in their lives that they shouldn’t have to worry about some idiot complicating the few simple things they depend on, like getting a good cup of coffee at 8:00 a.m. in the morning.

By: Craig Ettinger